Outspoken child, from what I have heard,
"cute, sassy & smart" over & over so many words....
Stuck in my head, someplace they'll be kept....
where one day they might surface much more in depth.
An only child in actuality, in the company of adults always & mostly.
A family with fear to face the world outside, like an ongoing threat had prevailed against life!
A very straight definition of what life should be.... There was no time for how to learn to be me.
A pre defined direction to lead us to success, so there would be no struggles in the future, i guess.
But everyone knows, struggles lie deep & as we get older the demons will creep,
No matter how hard we try to forget, or try to re direct,
we cannot accept what was in the past until we come to terms with it at last.
These feelings & memories inside my head... determining what is real from fiction as I lie in my bed.
The non spoken words or answers to my questions...
left nothing but my mind to ponder & make my my own solutions... reasons...conclusions...
But conclusions are opinions when left to the brain,
if gone undiscovered they could drive you insane.
Who was I really & what really happened.... that day at the zoo.....
Who am I exactly & am I part of you?
I don't feel I belong here, I just think a different way.
Could this be right or am I just wanting to stray?
I'm not afraid, I want to embrace...
all that life has to offer, all over the place.
Right versus wrong, just seems so precise...
Who really knows if they don't ever really live their life.
I was smart by luck, no need to study,
Outgoing, personable & always funny.
From the lack of my immediate surroundings, I was very intrigued by others,
I observed & learned & wondered how it would feel to have sisters & brothers...
Why was I so different? Such a free spirit, an old soul?
& why did they try to hold me down, to be afraid, was that the goal?
Who were these people? Where did everyone go?
Sure I was full of knowledge, but always alone.
Left to take it all in, compare & contrast, & try to fill in the blanks of my past!
Nightmares had plagued me during childhood, the same kidnapping dream that I might have understood....
Should someone have told me a little of the past, instead of allowing the memories to come back so fast!
But silence was golden where I laid my head...
Oh the countless hours I stared at that ceiling above my bed!
I never could sleep, I sleep seldom now.
But at least I know why, I figured it out.
When I was a teen, the neighbors started to talk...
Mentioning things they assumed I would know....
But they didn't realize how far secrets go.
In her defense, I guess some cannot deal,
with the cards they are dealt, because it is too real.
Sometimes too painful for them to get through, but what about me? WHO REALLY KNEW?
My mathematical ability, my quick thinking brain, my love for animals & personable state,
I look around, nobody is the same.
Where did this come from? Why can't they relate...
there isn't something wrong with me, I'm different, I'm great!
Keep that smile on, & no one will know.
Get on that stage & rock the show!
Play that flute, piano or cello...
Practice your dance, your singing, your books...
Whatever you do pay no attention to the looks.
But that I did, I cared too much... what others thought & said stuck like a crutch.
Why were people mean? Why did they hate me?
When you are young you can't possibly understand
the jealousy & hatred that rules this land.
You just live through it & hope for the best,
while silently suffering through all the rest.
But if you should keep hiding feelings deep down inside,
the new ones will bury them & thats where they'll reside.
The old feelings will fester & cause you great ill,
Wether guilt, pain or sorrow, there's no doubt they will.
If nobody around will answer your questions & all you are left with is disturbing visions...
What do you do? How do you deal? How do you determine what's really real??
Was I realy on his shoulders, was the stroller yellow?
Did a van pull up in that parking lot? Did I know that fellow?
Who grabbed me in the van & pulled away,
the vision of my mother running after, her hair blowing in the wind that day?
What about the memory of sitting at a table, 3 years old was I really capable.. of saying may I be excused?
Did they treat me right or was I abused?
Who were those people? Where was I exactly?
How did I get here & was it done practically?
Don't remember the car, the plane, was I drugged?
Was it just too traumatic that my memory was smudged?
Is this really Alaska? What's with the snow?
Wish I could remember, I would love to know!
These memories are too many & way too unclear!
Wheres my pink panther that I used to keep near?
Why can't she ever answer me, tell me what I need to know,
Should I share these visions with her? Or take them & GO?
I could go on & on, but I fear its too much right now,
for me as well as you!
One day I might continue on my Bronx Zoo Glue,
Or start with something entirely new.
Although some of us know, no matter what appears,
All things are connected throughout the years!
C.Lassen
1996
revised 2009
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